I just found out that an ex-boyfriend of mine moved into
town ( I say town loosely because it’s actually a city, but I was a part of it
when it transitioned from a town into a city. So to me it is still “town”).
Normally this wouldn’t bother me, well ok, I can’t actually say it bothers me
now either but in this case I gave it a second thought, and a third and a
fourth thought as opposed to all other ex-boyfriends who wouldn’t even get one
thought. The reason this person occupied so much of my head space is because I
got to thinking how a person can change another person so drastically. My first
thought when I heard he had moved was “great, now I might run into the ass” And
then I got to thinking why I thought he is an ass. Our relationship had been
toxic, it was not healthy at all. But it wasn’t like that in the beginning. I
suppose no relationship is, after a while you get comfortable and start being
your true self, only I don’t think who he became was his true self, and I don’t think that of myself either. We became angry
with each other, cynical and jealous all the time. That jealousy drove the
relationship to be toxic. Obviously there was a lack of trust, did that mean
him or I couldn’t trust other people? Of course not, and that is why it makes
me sad to know that me as a person made another person become full of such
jealousy. Am I making sense?
I’m not
saying I would go be friends with the guy now, there were a few other factors
that ended the relationship and then a few things afterwards that made it just
an awful ending but I am saying that it makes me think twice about trying to be
the best person I can be. I feel like I’m constantly being reminded to be a
better person, and I don’t mean that in a negative way. I mean that as I’ve set
goals for myself and I constantly slip but I’m always trying to build myself
forward and these reminders are a blessing to me. Looking back on this relationship has helped
me to look forward with my marriage. Am I being the person I want to be in my
marriage? I can tell you now I am falling very short of that. But that’s ok
because I’m always reminded and I’m always building forward. It’s not something
I get down on myself about like I once would, it’s something I take as
constructive.
Anyway,
back to this past relationship. So , you know how when you spend enough time
with a person you start picking up on their habits or way they say things and
stuff like that? Well behaviour can be the same. I remember when me and this
guy had broken up and I started dating my husband, and me and Mark got into an
argument and I was so surprised when he wanted to deal with the problem right
away and put it behind us. I was shocked actually, it was so refreshing.
Because in my previous relationship that problem would have been held in for a
matter of time and then come exploding out in a yelling rage and not dealt with
properly at all… or get solved for that matter. But fast forward 5 years and
the problems get held in again, there’s a lack of communication on both parts. See
a common denominator here? Took me a while to realize it, 5 years to be exact. I think I need to work on myself in more ways then I thought.
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So that's all for now! I have another post I'm working on coming your way. I was hoping to be able to attach images to it and I don't know if I will with the location I'm in right now so I will either do my next post with some visual appeal but I might not, either way there is a post coming later today!
Hope you all have a fantastic day :)
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