My Parabatai

Parabatai Oath:

Whither thou goest, I will go; Where thou diest, will I die. And there will I be buried. The Angel do so to me, and more also, if aught but death part thee and me. 

I sometimes think about how my life would be today had I not found my Parabatai. Would I be as happy? Would I feel complete? Or would I forever feel a hole, a void, an emptiness. Luckily I have found my Parabatai and I don't have to wander from day to day incomplete. I don't like to use the word "love" because it feels not enough. A word so incomplete it does nothing to describe the feeling of a Parabatai. So why not use a made up word? I could try to describe it in my own words but again, it wouldn't be good enough. Nellie and I don't really use the word love, it ins't in our every day language, so isn't it fitting I don't use it now? I think so. I could say she is my other half, but that isn't true. That spot is reserved for her husband. I could say I am her and she is me but it wouldn't be quite right either. It's as if our bond is one, it's not two bodies coming together, it is simply one bond. You might not understand. It's not just a "best friend" thing, it's more special then that. But who am I to claim such a connection? But I do. We do. It's more then finishing a sentence, it's knowing what they'll say before they say it. I can look at her, and she me, and know her emotion. Know her thoughts. Body language is heightened because we are so in tune. Shared looks and smiles, complete gibberish coming out of our mouths, but we'll know. We always do. Sometimes I think of the day I might outlive her. Or her me. I don't particularly like to think about it, but sometimes it creeps into my thoughts. Unlike a world of never knowing my Parabatai, it would be a world of immense pain. Would I move on as easily as others? Would I be broken? Unfixable? Probably. But I wouldn't change it. To be able to hold onto the best memories. To know for certain we will meet again. That would be the prize wouldn't it. Even though in heaven we wouldn't know each other as we do now, just knowing I will one day see my Parabatai again is enough. Because we'll be sisters.

Our bond in understanding, and gentle. Unforgiving- as in I will not be sorry or ashamed for others to know we have such a bond. It is strong and unbending. I know our friendship will always be. Constant. It's not a naive girl saying she'll be friends forever. It's truth. Almost 25 years of truth. If anything should ever part us I know we will make it back to this same place. Like a magnetism. Although I don't see a separation happening. I would never intentionally do anything to hurt her so much that we would stop talking and vice versa. I think our bond roots from a different type of emotion then other friendships (other friendships of ours, not saying other people can't have the same connection). Those roots stand firm, and strong, growing. It's a safe haven. Where we can be ourselves. Where we can be weird, where we can wade in our sense of humour. Where we can just know. I feel I'm still not explaining good enough but I wanted to see if I could attempt. The people who are blessed enough to have a Parabatai are just that- blessed. And you'll know what I'm trying to explain. Such a precious bond, one to be cherished and enjoyed. One to be taken care of and be attentive to. The greatest thing about it is that it is so effortless. Smooth. Perfect. But perfect in our own eyes.  

My Parabatai, where you die, I too will die, but we will live again in the ultimate future. 

I am so blessed, and I wanted to recognize that on paper (I did write this in my journal as well, so it really is written in ink) forever imprinted by my pen stroke. 

My Parabatai.

Letter to Mama

My Mom's birthday is coming up in two days, Feb 1. In honour of that I wanted to write a lil sum sum for her.  My Mom and I have come a long way over the years, for the most part our relationship has not been smooth. I'm the middle child with two brothers and when I was born my Dad was ecstatic. He wanted a girl and he showed me a lot of love. As we all started growing up, my parents included (my mom was 21 when she had me and my dad was 23), my Mom started noticing that my Dad would pay extra attention to me. Obviously being as cute as I am, I had my Dad wrapped around my finger since birth :) (just so you don't get the wrong idea of me, I did use that advantage but I certainly didn't abuse it... well I don't in my older years at least). Because my Mother noticed this extra attention going my way, she made it her personal mission to not let the boys feel left out. So she showed them extra love but I feel that in turn she showed me even less. Growing up in my house was really hard, my Dad was a trucker and was gone for long periods of time, and my Mom suffered through depression. Us kids had to grow into independence pretty fast but to us it felt natural. I don't look back on my childhood with resentment though, don't get me wrong, I look back knowing a learnt a lot and being the person I am today I'd have to say the outcome was a good one. My Mom has always said I'm mature beyond my years, I just don't think she realizes it's herself she should be thanking for that. I know my Mom regrets how she raised us, there's been many tears and talks to back that up but honestly I don't know how much I'd change. I wish she hadn't been sad for most of those years, I would definitely change that if I could, but my Mom knows God now- she knows Him better then she ever has and that's a good thing.
       Anyway, that's a little background for you to see that our relationship has been strained. Because of the lack of feeling loved by my Mama I was quite the difficult child. I'm stubborn and strong willed, I'd push and push until I got my way or broke somebody down. At the age of 18 I got kicked out of my parent's house. It's a day that is burned into my heart, it's a day I wish never happened. I wasn't obeying rules and sneaking out at night and I had pushed my Mom too far. I remember her throwing my things down the stairs while screaming at me to pack up my stuff and leave. She called me hateful things and I spoke calmly which only pushed her further. I had snooty retorts to go along with her hatred. My ego was bruised. Or more so my heart was bruised. To this day my Mom will argue that she didn't kick me out, I chose to leave. We don't talk about that time because of it so it's a memory that's locked away. But that's ok. That's where it belongs. After this we didn't talk for a month until my graduation. My graduation brought us closer together, it was a reason for us to start talking again. I remember our first phone call too, I called her and we talked for over an hour- about my graduation, about my funeral (lol ya, I was a bit morbid back then) and about normal every day stuff. After that phone call we started to pick up the pieces, only the pieces fit differently this time. They still fit, but in a different order. It helped us to learn how to be friends instead of enemies. I'm so grateful for that phone call, I don't think I've ever told her that.

So Mom, this is my letter to you:

There's so much history between us, a mixture of good, bad and sad, but I wouldn't change it for anything. I remember one time you came into my room at night, you were crying and kissed my cheek and whispered "sorry for being a basket case" I think we all have a little "basket case" in us, we're women after all. It's nothing to be sorry about but I appreciated that you said it. I'm sorry for being a basket case too. You had me young and did the best you could at the time and I appreciate my upbringing. I'm so happy that our relationship has grown so much. People have said to me "you go for coffee with your Mom a lot" as if it is a weird thing to do. I shrug it off and say I like going for coffee with my Mom. And I do, I love that time we can spend with each other. We learned how to be friends and I'm so glad we got there. We've come to a place where our communication skills have gotten so much better. Every time I walk through your doors it feels like home. I've never lived in that house but I think it's just because you do that it feels so homey. When you go on trips with Dad I like that I can go to your house and just be there. I put on your pyjama pants and slippers, wrap a blanket around me and sit in the living room as if I live there too. You're my go-to person for answers or projects or just some good advice. I feel safe with you, I feel as though my words are safe with you and I know I didn't feel that way a few years ago. I realized how our relationship had shifted just this past summer. We were going for a walk and I told you I was going to get a tattoo. You told me you didn't like that I was going to do it but I knew how you felt and that was that. I felt comfortable telling you the meaning behind the tattoo I wanted and I know none of that would have happened a few years ago. Younger you would have been judgemental and fought tooth and nail to get me to change my mind. Younger me would have got defensive and rebellious and pushed harder just to prove I could do what I want. I felt it shift when we were walking and it felt so liberating. I could be me and you could be you. We can now have different opinions and have respect for one another instead of trying to change the others mind/view.

I take comfort in knowing you will always be there for me. I don't want to know a world without you. I feel like so much time was wasted just challenging each other, that I savour the moments we have together now.
Saying the word love makes me uncomfortable but I hope you know that I do love you. I love you every yesterday, ever today and every tomorrow. So happy early Birthday Mom, your turning 46 and even though I don't like to think of you ageing, I know that with age comes growth and I cherish growth in our relationship.

I love you Mom.

Bangen Weekend

My weekend was off to a not so great start. I had the urge to get bangs. You know those days where you just feel ugly and you need a change like NOW??? Well I needed a change and I wanted bangs but I didn't want to wait for my hair dresser to  be available, I wanted them done now. So I went to the crappy hair salon in the mall and got in right away. I thought to myself, how badly can she screw up bangs anyway?!? Well she did an awful job, but luckily it was nothing a little retouching couldn't fix. So I raced over to my mom's house and asked her to snip snippety my bangage. My mom, being the women that she is, was nervous about it of course. See I don't let her cut my hair, she's the type of women who can work a clipper like nobody's business but when it comes to putting a pair of sheers in her hands, things can get scary. And fast. Her philosophy is: Oh this one side is shorter, I'll just even it out. Oh now this side is shorter, I'll just have to even that out. Oh that ended up being a lot shorter then you wanted, but that's ok!" Me: Mom, what did you do!?! *cries* I hate it!!!. Mom: You're so ungrateful, I'm never cutting your hair again!. Me: I'm a girl, may hair is EVERYTHING to me. You ruined my life *dies*.
And my personal favorite: Younger brother: Mom, I need a hair cut. Mom: starts cutting. Me and older brother: *laughs in younger brothers face* Your hair is crooked in the front!!! Mom: I didn't cut it crooked, his forehead is crooked *leaves hair crooked cuz hey, its not her fault!*

Anyway, that got out of hand- So my mom starts fixing my bangs and did a bang up job! (lol, pun) (does bang up mean good? Cuz I meant it in a good way) And even though they aren't exactly what I wanted they will suffice for now. I'll make an appointment with my usual bang lady in a week or so and get her to fix em up more to my liking. And now for a picture of the new do!

Just kidding! This made it look like I have straight across bangs,

which I don't. I just wanted to see how that would look lol. 

I can't for the life of me rotate this picture, just cock your head to

the right and you'll get the idea. I still need to train them

to do what I want-which is more of a swooping motion then

the straight down motion that's goin on here. 

And on other non bang related news, I went to the VIP theatre this weekend to see Hansel and Gretal and it was so awesome! We ended up being at the theatre about 2 hours early so we were sitting at a small table in the lobby. After a while we wanted to see if we could sit in the actual theatre and when we went to give the guy our tickets he instructed us that the VIP was "through those glass doors" Whaaa? Separate movie entrance? Awesome! So we walk through the doors and what do we see? A lounge. Whaaa? We sit in the lounge where there's a bar and a kitchen and wait for our movie to start. Picture below is of the lounge. 

When the movie was finally ready to play we got to sit in our seats (which we got to pre-choose by the way). The seats were awesome, I didn't get a picture of it but they were set in two's with a small table on either side to put your food. The arm rest in the middle could be flipped up to make a sort of love seat looking seat. There were waitresses in both aisles ready to take any food orders before the start of the show. Tickets were $20 each and food was super expensive, it's probably not something I'd do again but I'm glad I got to experience it none the less. I was not disappointed.  The movie itself was soooo good! I loved it. I love the whole trend of taking a fairy tale and putting a whole new spin on it. I wont go into a review of the movie but just know it was full of action and I definitely recommend it.

And I'll sign off with a text between my brother and I. This is the kind of randomness we talk about. It's quite entertaining!

The Bachelor

There come's a time in a girl's life where you have to sit yourself down and admit you have a problem. Unfortunately there isn't a cure for your disgusting problem but you can take comfort in the fact that your not alone. I'm talking about reality T.V. Come on, admit it, you watch it, you love it, and you hate yourself for it! But then you slowly start to love yourself again when you realize how many other women have this same guilty pleasure that you do :) To make all of you reality T.V. junkies feel a little better I want to start a blog series on the Bachelor!!!!! Exciting I know ;) (except minus the winky face cuz seriously, I'm excited). Now to be clear, I don't want this blog to be a negative outlet, but I do appreciate a good sarcastic conversation so that's what we'll call this.

First up, lets meet the bachelor: Sean Lowe

Not my type but nice to look at none the less. I have to say, after Emily's season of the Bachelorette I was rooting for Sean to be the next Bachelor. And after last season of the Bachelor, the producers have done a MUCH better job at picking their main man (Enter last seasons bachelor: Ben Flajnik)

Admittedly I did take the least good looking photo I could find, but I feel it shows his true colors. 

Meth head. Just kidding. Or am I..... 

Now lets meet a few of the ladies fighting to win Sean over.

I do have a few favorites so far, just to let you know my instincts in favorites usually end up being annoying, or catty or I end up being embarrassed I ever liked them in the first place. But so far so good. The most obvious favorite of mine would have to be Desiree. Who doesn't like someone they share a name with ?!? Actually she's quite boring but I may or may not say things like "Oh we did good!" "I took that prank like a champ!" Is it weird to refer to her as "we" or "I" ??..... moving on....

My next favorite is Lesley, she seems smart and genuine and apparently doesn't have good body language. But she does know how to get to point B eventually (steeling him away for a second time to finally get a kiss).

Plus she has great hair! 

This might come as a bit of a surprise but I actually really like Tierra. First off, who doesn't love a name that the other girls will so obviously make fun of? Tierra is one of those girls that will make the claws come out if she needs them to.....and then just keep them out because it's fun. And THAT is good T.V. !!! She's the reason we watch, she creates the drama we crave, and she's the one we hope goes far yet doesn't win because we're cruel like that. 

And the bravest of them all: Lindsay. Hats off to you Miss. If you can meet a man for the first time in a wedding dress, and then proceed to spend the rest of the evening in it, then so graciously drink too much bubbly and beg for a kiss from Sean and STILL make it past the first rose ceremony, what's not to love? I actually really like her because she has a sense of humor, the kind that I like, albeit the wedding gown was a bit overboard and she later regretted it, but she wore it well. I also learned from my trusty sources that she makes it to final 2 I believe so she must have done something right. I do also know who Sean proposed to but I'll keep that spoiler to myself. 

I tried to find a close up of Kelly's hair extensions but unfortunately couldn't find any :( I don't know what was going on with her hair or why it happened but my guess is she didn't take a mirror to the back of her head because it was a disaster. It looked like maybe some pieced weren't curled, and others were, it was obvious there were extensions in, it was just a mess. Needless to say, she didn't make it past the first rose ceremony. 

Although I could put my two scents in for just about every girl I'll just quickly talk about a few more. 

1. I'm sorry what did you say? Ooohhh ok, no wait...what? You were, what? what?.... Exactly.

2. Cray. And I love it. Death stare to everyone else, smile as big as your face to Sean, it remains to be seen whether she's in it for him or for other unknown crazy reasons. 

3. Mom. You look like a mom out of the 80's. It's due to your hair so lets think about taming the perm shall we? 

4. 50 Shades of Wackjob... and I love it! Too bad you were cut but it was fun while it lasted. 

5. I really liked her... until I realized all she talks about is her missing arm. I'm sympathetic to what she goes through but do you know any other topics? Oh you do?  Ok good, how about you talk about them! 

6. Oh Kacie B. I did not miss your laugh in the least. But my anger of your laugh was masked by pure enjoyment of watching your hair puff out in one big frizz ball. Also, it looks like your eating disorder is taking over again, the bobble head look is not cute. Just saying. 

And that concludes my opinions on this seasons The Bachelor so far. The show airs Monday so I'll be sure to have another post up later this week! Can't wait!!!! The cattiness, the claws, the tears- I'm exctatic!! 

New Beginnings In 2013

Well another year has come and gone. Once again I have to get used to writng /13

instead of /12. Last year was not so good for me, it was filled with a lot

of downs but I was still able to appreciate the ups! Some of those ups included going

to California with my husband and our two friends. Every time I go on vacation it makes me

want to live a different life. I want to live like the locals and get a real sense of what life is like

in a place other then Manitoba. This only makes going home that much more bitter sweet. Anyway, 

off topic! This year my parents finally moved to town. Of course they waited until of the 

kids were moved out to actually do this. Thanks Mom and Dad for ensuring we had no

social lives as teenagers and could stay home and do work! All teenager resentment aside, it really

gave me peace of mind to have my parents living only a minute away. 

I also finally got to be a proud owner of a 2008 Ford Escape. This may not seem like much to some but

I've been wanting an Escape for sometime and let me tell you, I'm in love! She's a beauty- all black leather interior, heated seats, dual exhaust, rotating piston cams, spinning injector cuffs and....... ok you got me! those last few things were gibberish. I bet all you girls out there believed me though ;) !! But those heated seats.... my bum loves them :) (Side note: I was just staring at my Tim Hortons cup and realized the little girl

on it has Minnetonkas. So jealy :(  ) 

I also moved into a larger apartment this last year, I thought I could be ok with living in a small

apartment until we could get a house but I guess I didn't realize how suffocating it would 

actually be. So I'm very grateful for the decision to move. I also finally finished paying of my civic. What a liberating day that was. I've been dreaming of that day for 7 years. Of course it didn't help that I added

onto the loan twice, turning my 5 year loan into a 7 year one. I joined the gym a month and a bit ago

and it is probably one of the best decisions I've ever made! 

2012 also saw me through a lot of ups and downs. It was a very emotional year but it helped me to get in 

touch with my feelings and the way I think so I do have to thank 2012 for that. I realized how 

good I am at pushing things down and not letting them affect me. I also realized that by doing 

this it only means they will come boiling to the surface all at once and its only fair to give people

warning so they can vacate the room cuz its ugly. 

All of that being said lets segue into my 2013 New Years Resolutions!!!! I've never really made

resolutions before but I've been wanting 2013 to be a year of new beginnings for me. So why

not kick start it off by making a few resolutions?! 

1. Get a tattoo (this for me was to symbolize new beginnings since it would be my first tattoo)

2. Travel (to New York and also to make plans for more travelling in the years to come)

3. Spend my money wiser (don't buy something right away just because you have a credit card)

4. Read more, and expand my reading material (Moby Dick, In Cold Blood, The Perks of Being a Wall Flower, Jane Eyre, Wuthering Heights, The Scarlett Letter - to name a few) 

5. Continue with the gym and challenge myself physically 

6. Cook more and expand my recipe selection 

7. Be more positive and project that onto other people

8. Be more ambitious at home and watch T.V. less

9. Eat cleaner (this is going to be a challenge, but know that it is OK to slip up, just try harder)

10. Be dedicated to this blog, you never know what kind of doors it will open

11. Start putting money into the savings account 

That is all I've really thought of for this year. I think its a reasonable list and something

I'm capable of accomplishing! I'm happy with it :) I'm ready for a good year, I'm ready for

a new beginning! 

Good Choices Bad Choices

A few days ago in a small town near by there was a murder that happened. Of course I've been hearing multiple stories but the gist of it is that a 14 year old boy stabbed his father to death. There was a history of abuse to the story and it was either an act of self defence or defence of another family member. Like I said there's been rumours so I don't want to say I know what happened for sure. Apparently the wife had shown up to work with bruises a lot, always having some kind of excuse as to what happened- fell down the stairs, bumped into an object, ect. One of the stories I heard was that the father was choking the mother and the boy stabbed him from behind multiple times. Regardless of the story, the boy is being charged with second degree murder. Whether he is being charged as a minor or an adult I do not know.

There's been many a discussion in the office the past couple of days regarding this incident. Should the boy go to jail? Should he get away with it? It's murder, and that's that. It was self defence which is good reason. The years of abuse is punishment enough. Where I stand on the matter some might say is immoral. As a Christian I believe it is wrong to kill. The law is the law, however, I am wise enough to know that God can forgive any sin. So if God can forgive it, can the courts not as well? I don't think this boy should go to jail. He's 14, think about it- A young boy goes to jail and gets mixed in with other delinquents. He starts getting in fights with fellow inmates or gets beat on, picked on and such. Put yourself in that situation? You'll probably start fighting back, and that wont look good for you. Or you don't fight back and keep getting verbally and physically attacked and you slowly get broken down piece by piece. What would that do to your psych? Or there's the off chance that everyone would get along and all would be well, he'd serve his time and possibly get out and go on living his life. Thats highly unlikely though I'd say.

I had two brothers in jail, I know what it can do to ones mind. One of  my brothers ended up joining a group that he shouldn't have and that's a very scary thing. But he did what he thought he had to do to survive. Take a 14 year old and put him in that situation, I'd bet he's very influential, who knows what would end up happening. I don't however think he should just get away with it. But I firmly, strongly, whole heartedly believe people who get pushed into the justice system should get counselling. I think it should be mandatory. I myself have been in counselling before and it made me feel so good. I felt like I was getting a hold of the things that were wrong. I felt comforted and it was so nice to have a "random" person who I didn't personally know to shed a perspective on my life. Sometimes you need to talk to someone outside of your little box. This kid needs to understand what happened to him, he needs to know what he did was wrong, but he needs to know that he's not a bad person for it. Stick him in juvy and I doubt he will learn that.

His sister had written on Facebook saying that her brother was a hero. A hero. That speaks volumes. A boy kills and his sibling calls him a hero. What kind of life must you have lived where killing is heroism? It breaks my heart. What went on in that household? What did those kids witness? Did people know? Why was nothing done? All of these questions are too late, but the situation can change moving forward.

It's easy to say someone killed a human being, he should be put in jail for life and suffer the consequences. But think about it, put yourself in their shoes. No one in my family has killed but like I've said I've had family in jail. Trust me when I say your view changes. I'm not saying people shouldn't go to jail, I'm saying that more should be done for that person who has done wrong. They need help, they need programs. There is a problem with them or in their lives and it needs to be resolved. Putting someone in jail and just waiting for them to get out to only have them do the same thing again is not a resolution. Because what is to stop a person from committing the same crime again? I'm not talking about just this boy when I say this, I'm talking about people in general.

This is not a perfect world, nor is it supposed to be. There will be pain, there will be suffering, and there will be consequences. Choices are made daily and the outcome of those choices affect many. In conclusion of my whole point of view here I'd like to say, if I were angry enough to kill, obviously there is more to the story then the news would let on. My emotions wouldn't be talked about, my tears wouldn't be mentioned, my state of mind would possibly only be considered as crazy. We are human, don't we deserve a chance at a better life with the help of people who can give it? We are not alone, so why stick someone in a cell to feel like they are alone and just leave it at that? More steps need to be taken. Because we are human. Because we make mistakes. But humans are capable of learning from those mistakes and I feel like that is forgotten.

I pray for this boy and his family, I pray that whatever the outcome they can stay strong. I ask God to look over them as I know He is, comfort them and guide them. I pray this boys mind stays right. I ask the Lord to carry them through this difficult time and to clear the minds of the courts to help make decisions to better the situation and not make it worse. Amen

I Remember When

Every now and then I'll go back and scroll through old pictures on Facebook or in my photo albums. Usually it makes me long for those days back. Things were different "back then." Younger me seemed to be so much more free? I don't really know what word I'm searching for... carefree maybe. It's so interesting to me because even though I have more responsibilities now, I'm more financially stable, whereas in my younger years I could never really afford much. I was 18 and living away from home. My pay cheques were $500 and I had rent, bills and food to pay for. Not to mention my grocery shopping skills were not up to par so it was usually chips and the rest was spent on McDonalds. Speaking of, I remember one particular evening, me and my two roommates had the biggest craving for a cheeseburger, I remember scraping together just enough change to get a cheeseburger and small fries. I can't even remember if I got the drink. And we may or may not have shared those small fries...Any way, off topic, my point is that now I can afford to do so much more yet I feel like I did so much more back then.

A lot of the pictures I look back on are usually party pictures, and it isn't the drunken sloppy girl that I miss, it was the time that I miss. The people, the setting, the laughs. After you get into a serious relationship it seems as though you lose a lot of that. Does it happen to everyone? Or did I just push people away? I don't want to party any more, my body isn't made for that any more but I miss the time. I want that time back. Is it possible? Today I was looking back on a picture of me with a group of 5 other girls. It wouldn't be possible to have that back because I'm not friends with half of them anymore, nor do I have a group of 5 girls to hang out with. It makes me sad. Sure I have girl friends, but we aren't all friends as a group, its individually. Everyone else always seems so busy these days too. Back then you shoot out a mass text and everyone's game. Now its not quite so. People are married or in a relationship, or kids are involved. I feel so disconnected from who I used to be, sure I've done a lot of growing up and I wouldn't change any of that, but I want the good times from back then mixed in with the now.

Well I think I do have those really great times now too, it's just not as often. Years ago it was every weekend we were out doing things, and week nights too. Staying up late and getting up early if we had to. And now even with my Mon-Fri job, a lot of weekends I'm sitting at home doing nothing, being bored. Right now I have no kids, I don't own a house, I don't want to look back on my twenties and wish I did more. But maybe I'm not looking at the bigger picture. I did go to California last year, and will be going to New York this year. There is no way I could have done that at 18. I guess I just wish stuff would come up more often.

I love reminiscing on old times but at the same time it makes me sad because I miss it. But maybe I'll look back on today and say I miss that too. I do appreciate my time spent now, I really do. And I love my friends and family and appreciate the time I have with them so much, I just don't want to look back and regret anything. I don't want to wish I had done more, or not done certain things. I don't want to miss out on anything. I don't want my eyes to be half open. I don't want life to pass me by.