A World In Reach

Twenty years ago my Dad brought me into a whole new world. It was magical and exciting and foreign. It was a world of travel! My Dad is a trucker and I got to go along for a lot of trips, I got to see new places and sometimes do new things. We didn't often get to stop, we usually had to just drive through but that was good enough. We would drive through small towns and around and through huge cities. I got to drive around the outskirts of Las Vegas during the day and at night- it was amazing to see all the lights. I got to come from a top a large hill at night looking down onto the city lights of somewhere in Montana. I got to see huge statues that lit up in the mountains so that villagers could find their way. Among all these things I got to see, what was most exciting to me was pretending! I could imagine anything I wanted so I imagined it was me living in those cities and small towns. I had the house nestled in between the mountains with horses and goats grazing in the pasture. I was standing in the little yellow shelter at the end of the driveway waiting for the school bus. It was me attending school in Texas waiting for the bell to ring to go hang out with my friends. It was a life I craved- someone else's. It was unknown and exhilarating and I wanted it but it was always out of reach. I could see it, I could yearn for it, and I could almost taste it, but it was just always out of reach. Maybe if I would live those lives I would still always be wanting something different, always on to the next adventure perhaps, but I still want it. It's changed a little as I've gotten older- I want that awesome job in San Francisco, and after work I head down to The Bay to walk around and look out at the water. Or work at some sort of studio in Chicago developing my photo's I took of all the buildings (even though I'm nowhere near the likes of being a photographer). Or I'm working in a high rise building for a magazine in New York writing an article that needs to be done yesterday. I look over through my window at the skyline of NY and pause a moment because I know that it's mine, and I relish in that.

I want to see the world. Maybe I wont get to live any of those lives, but maybe just getting a little taste from time to time would suffice. Maybe. I want to backpack through Europe for a month (and by backpack I mean taking a huge piece of luggage with wheels cuz I sure as hell am not living out of a small backpack for a month), sit at a cafe in Paris with the best unobstructed view of the Eiffel Tower, sipping a latte and writing a blog post. I want to mingle with the people in Germany because I hear they are just so nice. Then take a trip to Switzerland and slide down mountains on some sort of toboggan contraption. Then head down to Italy and walk the streets of Rome, soaking in the ambiance and romantic air.

I want to see Abu Dhabi with all the mosque's and temples. I want to see the beauty in the buildings and capture it, maybe on film, but mostly in my heart. I want to get on a camel and race to the finish line. I want to watch the sunset from a dune buggy we took to go "Dune Bashing."

I want to go to the Philippines and soak in the culture. I want to play with the children and get a sense of local culture. I want to sit on a beach in Australia watching the surfer's try to catch a wave. I want to go for a walk through the valleys of Ireland, go to a pub for some ale and sink into my bed at the end of the night in the bed and breakfast. I want to walk the stone walkways in Israel and imagine myself in a time past.

There are a lot of places I want to go, to see, to experience. Maybe I'll accomplish all that I want. Maybe I wont. But I yearn for it, I want it and I'm reaching. Maybe one day I'll touch what I'm looking for, get a grip on it and hold on tight for the adventurous ride I so badly crave. For now I better get handle on my spending habits so I can make my dreams come true *blush*.

Dreaming Dreaming...

As a favor to a friend I said I'd post what I've been dreaming up. I had been working on laying out my dream kitchen (no, I do not even have a house, hence the "dreaming") including pictures and all, and she asked me to share so she could see as well. So here we go!

My number one must have is a white farmhouse style sink, they are gaaaaaawgeous, and if you don't know what I mean, please see below:

I like the functionality of the double sink, I'd most likely go with that but this is what each style looks like. The double sink is sold at Ikea for $350 and the single one also at Ikea for $250. 

Now picture that sink combined with light cabinets/dark counter, or colored cabinets/light counter, or dark cabinets/white counter. The possibilities are endless and they all seem to look good. Actually, don't picture it, I'll post pictures for you.  

My favorite right now is the last pic, dark cabinets, white counter top, white back splash.
I'm also really liking the open shelving trend but I'm not sure if that would be ideal for me. Here are some pictures of setups that I'm liking. Aren't those brackets in the middle pic adorable?!

Also it's worth mentioning that I want all stainless steel appliances and fixtures. I'm really digging the industrial lighting right now kind of something like these:

And here are some other fun details I've found that I'm really liking.

I thought this was so cute, I probably wouldn't do it because I don't 

eat enough bread, it would probably end up having junk stored

in it- but it's a neat idea. 

the concealed microwave might be annoying but I do like the fact that it's up high but not on top of the oven. 

Concealed garbage?! Enough. Said.  

Pots!! I like this first picture because you can pull it out and it's so functional, I also like how the lids are easily stored in the top pullout. Nothing bothers me more then those dang pot lids. I rarely use them so they constantly get thrown around in their tiny cabinet. 

I also really like this idea below, the lids are so visual although I do like the idea of them being closer to their pots, I'd fear they'd get too lonely. 

I just adore this idea of putting your pots and pans above the oven, I was thinking maybe I'd reserve that just specifically for pans though, and then store pots in a concealed place. And I love the idea of them all being stainless steel, it would tie in nicely with the stainless appliances.

Functional. I hate the look of the paper towel hanging under 

a cabinet, or on the counter. But also to keep in mind, kids could get

at this easily and just start a pullin' 

I like the idea of maximising your use of space, this drawer

pulls right out from under your sink. Great for cleaning supplies. 

There is nothing more annoying then trying to get those

stupid measuring spoons off the ring to just have to put them back on... in 

order... cuz I'm OCD like that. 

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE. Coffee bar!? Seriously?! This is

SO going in my one day home. It could hold my coffee maker AND 

Tassimo. Really like the hanging cups

idea too. And I'm also getting into tea now so I can just picture

the cute canisters and... and I could go on and on lol. 

Pull out drawer every thing. No door cabinets on the bottom. 

That's kind of what I got goin on in my head right now. Of course when I actually end up buying a home these things will happen slowly. Also there will have to be a lot more detail going into it, like what type of back splash I'd want, type and color of flooring and so on, but I don't feel like getting into that before it actually  happens. So there you have it Amanda and fellow readers- my dream kitchen ideas :) 

Tatted Up

So yesterday I got my first tattoo!! I am beyond excited and I just love it :D It's very small, the word "parabatai" as you know from a previous post it is a made up word, it's from a book series that my friend Nellie and I read and found it defined our friendship perfectly. Last year before Christmas we had decided to get these tattoo's but Nellie ended up backing out for personal reasons. Fast forward a few months and here we are! She resolved her differences and decided once again to go through with getting the tattoo.  I made her get hers first so I knew for certain she wouldn't back out after me getting mine lol. You can't exactly have a parabatai tattoo without your friend doing it too, that's like yin without yang, night without morning, Brad without Angelina, coffee without cream and that's just gross.

I can't wait to get more tattoo's yet, it will happen slowly, I don't want many but a few more. Not exactly sure of what or where but I have a few ideas. Crystal from Mort Cheval in Morden was the one who did the tat's, she was awesome. She was nice, and funny and really calming actually. We were a bit nervous going in but she made us feel at ease and I'd definitely recommend her. And in case anyone is wondering it was $125, I know that sounds crazy expensive but its a minimum charge. I called to a few places in Winnipeg and a lot of them had the same pricing, I'm sure I could have found a cheaper place but I didn't want to drive out there and this was good enough for me. And without further a due here are the videos and pictures of our first ever tattoo experience!!!!

Nellie's brother-in-law Matt had gotten

a tattoo a couple hours before us so he made an

appearance to see our first time. See his arm all 

bandaged up, his tat was a big'n. 

How it looks today! 

Valentines Day

Ah, Valentines Day. I've always wanted to love this day but truth be told I hate it. Not because I don't buy into it, but because I've never had a really good one I guess. I love the idea of couples coming together on a special day to profess their love for each other. It's so romantic and sweet. And for some people its the only day of the year they get sweet little nothings from their luvva ;) Who wouldn't like to be treated out to a date and some gifts?!? One thing I will say though is that I don't think the men should be doing all the work. Its not called Men Love Your Women Day, so come on women, step it up! I've always loved the idea of getting the usual flowers and chocolate, but I really like the gifts that are sort of inside jokes, or something out of the ordinary, something with a little more thought put into it.

This Valentine's Day I will be spending with my Parabatai, we'll be going to a movie- Safe Haven and also getting some supper together. Both of our husbands aren't the "be all sweet and romantic" types on this day so we decided to take matters into our own hands. Who said a married women can't go out with her friend on V-Day?!? I'm excited :D

Happy Valentines Day to all the couples and the singles out there! 

The Journey

I've been wanting to write this post for a while but I've been putting it off because I just didn't quite know how I wanted to word it. Sometimes I get these overwhelming feelings inside me, like a fire ball of emotion swirling in my core and I want to share it but at the same time I want to do it justice. I'm a writer, I can't just lay some words down on paper, say done and walk away. I have to feel it, and when I do feel it, it has to be written perfectly. I have to identify the feelings, get it right, and then pen them down. It has to flow, and it has to be just as fierce as my fireball so that the words can paint the perfect picture. 

Anyway, off topic a little. This post is supposed to be about relationships. Friendships or lovers, whichever really. Both need to be cherished and taken care of, respected and loved, so either situation could relate I'd say. 

First I want to talk about relationships with God- or more specifically my relationship with God. I haven't felt as connected to God lately as I have in the past. This bothers me so much and I don't like it, but I'm the only one who can change that. So in an effort to change that I've been trying to pray more but also trying to remember to praise more. That ones a hard one for me. Also I've been trying to trust in Him more then I do. I like to have complete control of my life, I like to budget and plan and schedule. I like to know what my next move is going to be days before I make that move. Relinquishing that control to someone is very hard for me to do, not to mention how hard it is for me to do to someone I feel disconnected from. But I need to remind myself that no matter how disconnected I feel, God will never leave me. He's there in front of me, probably fighting me because I hold on too tight. I imagine it as a game of tug-of-war, me on one end and God on the other, in the middle is my life. Why would I try so hard to win that game? It just makes no sense and yet I do it every day. 

I've been really learning in the past month or so what it actually feels like to hand over the control. To just trust. To not worry. I'm learning to just jump, and know that God will give me solid ground to land on. 

Friendships. Like all relationships, friendships take work. There is effort that needs to be put in, respect needing to be given. Your friends need to feel loved so that they stick around. If you reject them, they may just be so hurt that they will reject you too. Sometimes it's easy to take out your frustration on your friend because you know that they will forgive you anyway, but sometimes that can be taken too far. I've had a few friends in my lifetime that I am no longer friends with. I was taken for granted I think and I've never dealt well with that. One friend in particular always lied to me. Eventually I caught on and could tell when she lied to me. I never stood up for myself though, I never called her out, I just let her lie and let myself drift further away. We speak in passing now but that's basically where our relationship stands now. I wonder though, if I had called her out, would she have changed? Could our friendship have lasted? If I had taken the time to try to figure out why she was lying so much, what she was going through, could it have been different? Another friend that I am no longer friends with had phased me out. We were so close at one point but then she started to change. Later she had told me that I changed too. Maybe I did, but I don't think that I did. Suddenly I was missing a friend, messages would go unanswered and I was hurt, so we got into a fight. I told her I didn't want to be treated that way and I didn't want a friend who thought that is what friendship was about. But I didn't ask her if there was something bigger going on. I didn't ask why she had been changing. I wonder if I would have gotten a straight answer though. If I had pushed to dig deeper, again, would things be different? 

If people took the time to look past the hurt they are going through, could relationships be saved? If you could get past the rejected feeling and find the compassion in yourself, could you trust in that? I know that I myself feel that if I feel compassion then I feel week. I associate kindness in times of strife with defeat. How are you to know that your kindness will be met with honesty? I see as I'm writing this that my ability for trust has shadowed my decision making because I don't want to get hurt. Is a guarded person able to feel compassion so much so that they could break down their walls for the chance at a stronger friendship/relationship? Also, if that guarded person only gets hurt after giving compassion, could they do it again? To what extent does a person give compassion and kindness in an effort to see the bigger picture? How many times is enough until it is ok to give up? 

Keeping on with this theme, lets talk about relationships. In the past year I've learned just how much differently men think then women. It's amazing really. Us women are just like "well common sense!" "If he doesn't know then I'm not going to tell him" and so on and so forth. And men's common sense just isn't the same as ours I guess. And I don't mean a general sense of common sense, I mean relationship common sense. The do's and dont's of dating/marriage if you will. And just like in a friendship, how do you know when enough is enough and how do you know when to keep pushing through. I bring this up because I've been hearing a lot lately of people saying "well in our generation if a relationship was broken we fixed it, we didn't believe in divorce because we didn't just quit. There was no quitting." I actually had an in depth conversation with a few friends about this, about the morals and values of our generation today. It seems as though so many people are getting divorces, and it's like they're getting younger and younger. So I asked the question, are we giving up easier or do we have more respect for ourselves today and stand up for ourselves better then the older generation. Is an older generation relationship more likely to stay together through an abusive relationship as opposed to a younger generation relationship? In my culture anyway I'd say yes. In my culture- the older generation of women were brought up to stay home and take care of the family. In the younger generation the women work so we are less dependant on the mans income. I believe that would be a huge deciding factor in the decision to keep fighting. So are we as a younger generation really to be looked down on for "quitting" so easily? Or should we be congratulated for having more self respect? I'm not saying that every divorce is validated, I do believe that relationships should be fought for and that some people don't fight hard enough. But that brings up the question again, how much is enough?

Also, I wonder, how many split ups are brought on by influence. "oh well this couple split up so it's okay if I do too" Some people may validate what they have done or want to do simply because someone they know did it too, making it okay. Since being married and seeing a lot of people my age get married I'm surrounded by these things every day. Seeing peoples relationships crumble, and also seeing them being fought for. I honestly didn't know this world existed before. I just thought that marriage was... well marriage. Two people living together, then having kids and that's it. I didn't realize the struggle behind it, or how much of a struggle it could be. I can see first hand now how much effort it takes to keep a relationship strong. How much communication is involved. Communication on point of view, morals, sex, money, other relationships. Everything needs to be talked about and if it isn't then your relationship is lacking something key. And after communication comes action. Acting on what your partner wants, acting on how they feel. Your actions after they communicate with you. Will you react hostile, will you be the listener, will you be supportive or encouraging. Will you work together on a problem, will you work at keeping that solution. Will you work at keeping the romance. 

Relationships are no easy task. It never really sunk in for me until I got married. This has been my longest relationship and with all my other shorter relationships we never got to the point where we decided to try, we just ended it instead. I love how as I go through this life journey that I learn things like this along the way. I love how experiences give you new insight and you think a little more clearly. How blessed we are to live in such a complex world, getting the privilege to see what it has to offer- what God has to offer. What God gave us. 

This whole post seems kind of morbid but I just wanted to write down how important relationships are. What a constant struggle it is to make sure everything keeps working. My eyes were never really open to how hard things can be but by no means does that mean its not worth it. Love is worth it, love in friendships and relationships. If we didn't have love, what would we have really? 

My Parabatai

Parabatai Oath:

Whither thou goest, I will go; Where thou diest, will I die. And there will I be buried. The Angel do so to me, and more also, if aught but death part thee and me. 

I sometimes think about how my life would be today had I not found my Parabatai. Would I be as happy? Would I feel complete? Or would I forever feel a hole, a void, an emptiness. Luckily I have found my Parabatai and I don't have to wander from day to day incomplete. I don't like to use the word "love" because it feels not enough. A word so incomplete it does nothing to describe the feeling of a Parabatai. So why not use a made up word? I could try to describe it in my own words but again, it wouldn't be good enough. Nellie and I don't really use the word love, it ins't in our every day language, so isn't it fitting I don't use it now? I think so. I could say she is my other half, but that isn't true. That spot is reserved for her husband. I could say I am her and she is me but it wouldn't be quite right either. It's as if our bond is one, it's not two bodies coming together, it is simply one bond. You might not understand. It's not just a "best friend" thing, it's more special then that. But who am I to claim such a connection? But I do. We do. It's more then finishing a sentence, it's knowing what they'll say before they say it. I can look at her, and she me, and know her emotion. Know her thoughts. Body language is heightened because we are so in tune. Shared looks and smiles, complete gibberish coming out of our mouths, but we'll know. We always do. Sometimes I think of the day I might outlive her. Or her me. I don't particularly like to think about it, but sometimes it creeps into my thoughts. Unlike a world of never knowing my Parabatai, it would be a world of immense pain. Would I move on as easily as others? Would I be broken? Unfixable? Probably. But I wouldn't change it. To be able to hold onto the best memories. To know for certain we will meet again. That would be the prize wouldn't it. Even though in heaven we wouldn't know each other as we do now, just knowing I will one day see my Parabatai again is enough. Because we'll be sisters.

Our bond in understanding, and gentle. Unforgiving- as in I will not be sorry or ashamed for others to know we have such a bond. It is strong and unbending. I know our friendship will always be. Constant. It's not a naive girl saying she'll be friends forever. It's truth. Almost 25 years of truth. If anything should ever part us I know we will make it back to this same place. Like a magnetism. Although I don't see a separation happening. I would never intentionally do anything to hurt her so much that we would stop talking and vice versa. I think our bond roots from a different type of emotion then other friendships (other friendships of ours, not saying other people can't have the same connection). Those roots stand firm, and strong, growing. It's a safe haven. Where we can be ourselves. Where we can be weird, where we can wade in our sense of humour. Where we can just know. I feel I'm still not explaining good enough but I wanted to see if I could attempt. The people who are blessed enough to have a Parabatai are just that- blessed. And you'll know what I'm trying to explain. Such a precious bond, one to be cherished and enjoyed. One to be taken care of and be attentive to. The greatest thing about it is that it is so effortless. Smooth. Perfect. But perfect in our own eyes.  

My Parabatai, where you die, I too will die, but we will live again in the ultimate future. 

I am so blessed, and I wanted to recognize that on paper (I did write this in my journal as well, so it really is written in ink) forever imprinted by my pen stroke. 

My Parabatai.

Letter to Mama

My Mom's birthday is coming up in two days, Feb 1. In honour of that I wanted to write a lil sum sum for her.  My Mom and I have come a long way over the years, for the most part our relationship has not been smooth. I'm the middle child with two brothers and when I was born my Dad was ecstatic. He wanted a girl and he showed me a lot of love. As we all started growing up, my parents included (my mom was 21 when she had me and my dad was 23), my Mom started noticing that my Dad would pay extra attention to me. Obviously being as cute as I am, I had my Dad wrapped around my finger since birth :) (just so you don't get the wrong idea of me, I did use that advantage but I certainly didn't abuse it... well I don't in my older years at least). Because my Mother noticed this extra attention going my way, she made it her personal mission to not let the boys feel left out. So she showed them extra love but I feel that in turn she showed me even less. Growing up in my house was really hard, my Dad was a trucker and was gone for long periods of time, and my Mom suffered through depression. Us kids had to grow into independence pretty fast but to us it felt natural. I don't look back on my childhood with resentment though, don't get me wrong, I look back knowing a learnt a lot and being the person I am today I'd have to say the outcome was a good one. My Mom has always said I'm mature beyond my years, I just don't think she realizes it's herself she should be thanking for that. I know my Mom regrets how she raised us, there's been many tears and talks to back that up but honestly I don't know how much I'd change. I wish she hadn't been sad for most of those years, I would definitely change that if I could, but my Mom knows God now- she knows Him better then she ever has and that's a good thing.
       Anyway, that's a little background for you to see that our relationship has been strained. Because of the lack of feeling loved by my Mama I was quite the difficult child. I'm stubborn and strong willed, I'd push and push until I got my way or broke somebody down. At the age of 18 I got kicked out of my parent's house. It's a day that is burned into my heart, it's a day I wish never happened. I wasn't obeying rules and sneaking out at night and I had pushed my Mom too far. I remember her throwing my things down the stairs while screaming at me to pack up my stuff and leave. She called me hateful things and I spoke calmly which only pushed her further. I had snooty retorts to go along with her hatred. My ego was bruised. Or more so my heart was bruised. To this day my Mom will argue that she didn't kick me out, I chose to leave. We don't talk about that time because of it so it's a memory that's locked away. But that's ok. That's where it belongs. After this we didn't talk for a month until my graduation. My graduation brought us closer together, it was a reason for us to start talking again. I remember our first phone call too, I called her and we talked for over an hour- about my graduation, about my funeral (lol ya, I was a bit morbid back then) and about normal every day stuff. After that phone call we started to pick up the pieces, only the pieces fit differently this time. They still fit, but in a different order. It helped us to learn how to be friends instead of enemies. I'm so grateful for that phone call, I don't think I've ever told her that.

So Mom, this is my letter to you:

There's so much history between us, a mixture of good, bad and sad, but I wouldn't change it for anything. I remember one time you came into my room at night, you were crying and kissed my cheek and whispered "sorry for being a basket case" I think we all have a little "basket case" in us, we're women after all. It's nothing to be sorry about but I appreciated that you said it. I'm sorry for being a basket case too. You had me young and did the best you could at the time and I appreciate my upbringing. I'm so happy that our relationship has grown so much. People have said to me "you go for coffee with your Mom a lot" as if it is a weird thing to do. I shrug it off and say I like going for coffee with my Mom. And I do, I love that time we can spend with each other. We learned how to be friends and I'm so glad we got there. We've come to a place where our communication skills have gotten so much better. Every time I walk through your doors it feels like home. I've never lived in that house but I think it's just because you do that it feels so homey. When you go on trips with Dad I like that I can go to your house and just be there. I put on your pyjama pants and slippers, wrap a blanket around me and sit in the living room as if I live there too. You're my go-to person for answers or projects or just some good advice. I feel safe with you, I feel as though my words are safe with you and I know I didn't feel that way a few years ago. I realized how our relationship had shifted just this past summer. We were going for a walk and I told you I was going to get a tattoo. You told me you didn't like that I was going to do it but I knew how you felt and that was that. I felt comfortable telling you the meaning behind the tattoo I wanted and I know none of that would have happened a few years ago. Younger you would have been judgemental and fought tooth and nail to get me to change my mind. Younger me would have got defensive and rebellious and pushed harder just to prove I could do what I want. I felt it shift when we were walking and it felt so liberating. I could be me and you could be you. We can now have different opinions and have respect for one another instead of trying to change the others mind/view.

I take comfort in knowing you will always be there for me. I don't want to know a world without you. I feel like so much time was wasted just challenging each other, that I savour the moments we have together now.
Saying the word love makes me uncomfortable but I hope you know that I do love you. I love you every yesterday, ever today and every tomorrow. So happy early Birthday Mom, your turning 46 and even though I don't like to think of you ageing, I know that with age comes growth and I cherish growth in our relationship.

I love you Mom.