Letter to Mama

My Mom's birthday is coming up in two days, Feb 1. In honour of that I wanted to write a lil sum sum for her.  My Mom and I have come a long way over the years, for the most part our relationship has not been smooth. I'm the middle child with two brothers and when I was born my Dad was ecstatic. He wanted a girl and he showed me a lot of love. As we all started growing up, my parents included (my mom was 21 when she had me and my dad was 23), my Mom started noticing that my Dad would pay extra attention to me. Obviously being as cute as I am, I had my Dad wrapped around my finger since birth :) (just so you don't get the wrong idea of me, I did use that advantage but I certainly didn't abuse it... well I don't in my older years at least). Because my Mother noticed this extra attention going my way, she made it her personal mission to not let the boys feel left out. So she showed them extra love but I feel that in turn she showed me even less. Growing up in my house was really hard, my Dad was a trucker and was gone for long periods of time, and my Mom suffered through depression. Us kids had to grow into independence pretty fast but to us it felt natural. I don't look back on my childhood with resentment though, don't get me wrong, I look back knowing a learnt a lot and being the person I am today I'd have to say the outcome was a good one. My Mom has always said I'm mature beyond my years, I just don't think she realizes it's herself she should be thanking for that. I know my Mom regrets how she raised us, there's been many tears and talks to back that up but honestly I don't know how much I'd change. I wish she hadn't been sad for most of those years, I would definitely change that if I could, but my Mom knows God now- she knows Him better then she ever has and that's a good thing.
       Anyway, that's a little background for you to see that our relationship has been strained. Because of the lack of feeling loved by my Mama I was quite the difficult child. I'm stubborn and strong willed, I'd push and push until I got my way or broke somebody down. At the age of 18 I got kicked out of my parent's house. It's a day that is burned into my heart, it's a day I wish never happened. I wasn't obeying rules and sneaking out at night and I had pushed my Mom too far. I remember her throwing my things down the stairs while screaming at me to pack up my stuff and leave. She called me hateful things and I spoke calmly which only pushed her further. I had snooty retorts to go along with her hatred. My ego was bruised. Or more so my heart was bruised. To this day my Mom will argue that she didn't kick me out, I chose to leave. We don't talk about that time because of it so it's a memory that's locked away. But that's ok. That's where it belongs. After this we didn't talk for a month until my graduation. My graduation brought us closer together, it was a reason for us to start talking again. I remember our first phone call too, I called her and we talked for over an hour- about my graduation, about my funeral (lol ya, I was a bit morbid back then) and about normal every day stuff. After that phone call we started to pick up the pieces, only the pieces fit differently this time. They still fit, but in a different order. It helped us to learn how to be friends instead of enemies. I'm so grateful for that phone call, I don't think I've ever told her that.

So Mom, this is my letter to you:

There's so much history between us, a mixture of good, bad and sad, but I wouldn't change it for anything. I remember one time you came into my room at night, you were crying and kissed my cheek and whispered "sorry for being a basket case" I think we all have a little "basket case" in us, we're women after all. It's nothing to be sorry about but I appreciated that you said it. I'm sorry for being a basket case too. You had me young and did the best you could at the time and I appreciate my upbringing. I'm so happy that our relationship has grown so much. People have said to me "you go for coffee with your Mom a lot" as if it is a weird thing to do. I shrug it off and say I like going for coffee with my Mom. And I do, I love that time we can spend with each other. We learned how to be friends and I'm so glad we got there. We've come to a place where our communication skills have gotten so much better. Every time I walk through your doors it feels like home. I've never lived in that house but I think it's just because you do that it feels so homey. When you go on trips with Dad I like that I can go to your house and just be there. I put on your pyjama pants and slippers, wrap a blanket around me and sit in the living room as if I live there too. You're my go-to person for answers or projects or just some good advice. I feel safe with you, I feel as though my words are safe with you and I know I didn't feel that way a few years ago. I realized how our relationship had shifted just this past summer. We were going for a walk and I told you I was going to get a tattoo. You told me you didn't like that I was going to do it but I knew how you felt and that was that. I felt comfortable telling you the meaning behind the tattoo I wanted and I know none of that would have happened a few years ago. Younger you would have been judgemental and fought tooth and nail to get me to change my mind. Younger me would have got defensive and rebellious and pushed harder just to prove I could do what I want. I felt it shift when we were walking and it felt so liberating. I could be me and you could be you. We can now have different opinions and have respect for one another instead of trying to change the others mind/view.

I take comfort in knowing you will always be there for me. I don't want to know a world without you. I feel like so much time was wasted just challenging each other, that I savour the moments we have together now.
Saying the word love makes me uncomfortable but I hope you know that I do love you. I love you every yesterday, ever today and every tomorrow. So happy early Birthday Mom, your turning 46 and even though I don't like to think of you ageing, I know that with age comes growth and I cherish growth in our relationship.

I love you Mom.