The Journey

I've been wanting to write this post for a while but I've been putting it off because I just didn't quite know how I wanted to word it. Sometimes I get these overwhelming feelings inside me, like a fire ball of emotion swirling in my core and I want to share it but at the same time I want to do it justice. I'm a writer, I can't just lay some words down on paper, say done and walk away. I have to feel it, and when I do feel it, it has to be written perfectly. I have to identify the feelings, get it right, and then pen them down. It has to flow, and it has to be just as fierce as my fireball so that the words can paint the perfect picture. 

Anyway, off topic a little. This post is supposed to be about relationships. Friendships or lovers, whichever really. Both need to be cherished and taken care of, respected and loved, so either situation could relate I'd say. 

First I want to talk about relationships with God- or more specifically my relationship with God. I haven't felt as connected to God lately as I have in the past. This bothers me so much and I don't like it, but I'm the only one who can change that. So in an effort to change that I've been trying to pray more but also trying to remember to praise more. That ones a hard one for me. Also I've been trying to trust in Him more then I do. I like to have complete control of my life, I like to budget and plan and schedule. I like to know what my next move is going to be days before I make that move. Relinquishing that control to someone is very hard for me to do, not to mention how hard it is for me to do to someone I feel disconnected from. But I need to remind myself that no matter how disconnected I feel, God will never leave me. He's there in front of me, probably fighting me because I hold on too tight. I imagine it as a game of tug-of-war, me on one end and God on the other, in the middle is my life. Why would I try so hard to win that game? It just makes no sense and yet I do it every day. 

I've been really learning in the past month or so what it actually feels like to hand over the control. To just trust. To not worry. I'm learning to just jump, and know that God will give me solid ground to land on. 

Friendships. Like all relationships, friendships take work. There is effort that needs to be put in, respect needing to be given. Your friends need to feel loved so that they stick around. If you reject them, they may just be so hurt that they will reject you too. Sometimes it's easy to take out your frustration on your friend because you know that they will forgive you anyway, but sometimes that can be taken too far. I've had a few friends in my lifetime that I am no longer friends with. I was taken for granted I think and I've never dealt well with that. One friend in particular always lied to me. Eventually I caught on and could tell when she lied to me. I never stood up for myself though, I never called her out, I just let her lie and let myself drift further away. We speak in passing now but that's basically where our relationship stands now. I wonder though, if I had called her out, would she have changed? Could our friendship have lasted? If I had taken the time to try to figure out why she was lying so much, what she was going through, could it have been different? Another friend that I am no longer friends with had phased me out. We were so close at one point but then she started to change. Later she had told me that I changed too. Maybe I did, but I don't think that I did. Suddenly I was missing a friend, messages would go unanswered and I was hurt, so we got into a fight. I told her I didn't want to be treated that way and I didn't want a friend who thought that is what friendship was about. But I didn't ask her if there was something bigger going on. I didn't ask why she had been changing. I wonder if I would have gotten a straight answer though. If I had pushed to dig deeper, again, would things be different? 

If people took the time to look past the hurt they are going through, could relationships be saved? If you could get past the rejected feeling and find the compassion in yourself, could you trust in that? I know that I myself feel that if I feel compassion then I feel week. I associate kindness in times of strife with defeat. How are you to know that your kindness will be met with honesty? I see as I'm writing this that my ability for trust has shadowed my decision making because I don't want to get hurt. Is a guarded person able to feel compassion so much so that they could break down their walls for the chance at a stronger friendship/relationship? Also, if that guarded person only gets hurt after giving compassion, could they do it again? To what extent does a person give compassion and kindness in an effort to see the bigger picture? How many times is enough until it is ok to give up? 

Keeping on with this theme, lets talk about relationships. In the past year I've learned just how much differently men think then women. It's amazing really. Us women are just like "well common sense!" "If he doesn't know then I'm not going to tell him" and so on and so forth. And men's common sense just isn't the same as ours I guess. And I don't mean a general sense of common sense, I mean relationship common sense. The do's and dont's of dating/marriage if you will. And just like in a friendship, how do you know when enough is enough and how do you know when to keep pushing through. I bring this up because I've been hearing a lot lately of people saying "well in our generation if a relationship was broken we fixed it, we didn't believe in divorce because we didn't just quit. There was no quitting." I actually had an in depth conversation with a few friends about this, about the morals and values of our generation today. It seems as though so many people are getting divorces, and it's like they're getting younger and younger. So I asked the question, are we giving up easier or do we have more respect for ourselves today and stand up for ourselves better then the older generation. Is an older generation relationship more likely to stay together through an abusive relationship as opposed to a younger generation relationship? In my culture anyway I'd say yes. In my culture- the older generation of women were brought up to stay home and take care of the family. In the younger generation the women work so we are less dependant on the mans income. I believe that would be a huge deciding factor in the decision to keep fighting. So are we as a younger generation really to be looked down on for "quitting" so easily? Or should we be congratulated for having more self respect? I'm not saying that every divorce is validated, I do believe that relationships should be fought for and that some people don't fight hard enough. But that brings up the question again, how much is enough?

Also, I wonder, how many split ups are brought on by influence. "oh well this couple split up so it's okay if I do too" Some people may validate what they have done or want to do simply because someone they know did it too, making it okay. Since being married and seeing a lot of people my age get married I'm surrounded by these things every day. Seeing peoples relationships crumble, and also seeing them being fought for. I honestly didn't know this world existed before. I just thought that marriage was... well marriage. Two people living together, then having kids and that's it. I didn't realize the struggle behind it, or how much of a struggle it could be. I can see first hand now how much effort it takes to keep a relationship strong. How much communication is involved. Communication on point of view, morals, sex, money, other relationships. Everything needs to be talked about and if it isn't then your relationship is lacking something key. And after communication comes action. Acting on what your partner wants, acting on how they feel. Your actions after they communicate with you. Will you react hostile, will you be the listener, will you be supportive or encouraging. Will you work together on a problem, will you work at keeping that solution. Will you work at keeping the romance. 

Relationships are no easy task. It never really sunk in for me until I got married. This has been my longest relationship and with all my other shorter relationships we never got to the point where we decided to try, we just ended it instead. I love how as I go through this life journey that I learn things like this along the way. I love how experiences give you new insight and you think a little more clearly. How blessed we are to live in such a complex world, getting the privilege to see what it has to offer- what God has to offer. What God gave us. 

This whole post seems kind of morbid but I just wanted to write down how important relationships are. What a constant struggle it is to make sure everything keeps working. My eyes were never really open to how hard things can be but by no means does that mean its not worth it. Love is worth it, love in friendships and relationships. If we didn't have love, what would we have really?