Every now and then I'll go back and scroll through old pictures on Facebook or in my photo albums. Usually it makes me long for those days back. Things were different "back then." Younger me seemed to be so much more free? I don't really know what word I'm searching for... carefree maybe. It's so interesting to me because even though I have more responsibilities now, I'm more financially stable, whereas in my younger years I could never really afford much. I was 18 and living away from home. My pay cheques were $500 and I had rent, bills and food to pay for. Not to mention my grocery shopping skills were not up to par so it was usually chips and the rest was spent on McDonalds. Speaking of, I remember one particular evening, me and my two roommates had the biggest craving for a cheeseburger, I remember scraping together just enough change to get a cheeseburger and small fries. I can't even remember if I got the drink. And we may or may not have shared those small fries...Any way, off topic, my point is that now I can afford to do so much more yet I feel like I did so much more back then.
A lot of the pictures I look back on are usually party pictures, and it isn't the drunken sloppy girl that I miss, it was the time that I miss. The people, the setting, the laughs. After you get into a serious relationship it seems as though you lose a lot of that. Does it happen to everyone? Or did I just push people away? I don't want to party any more, my body isn't made for that any more but I miss the time. I want that time back. Is it possible? Today I was looking back on a picture of me with a group of 5 other girls. It wouldn't be possible to have that back because I'm not friends with half of them anymore, nor do I have a group of 5 girls to hang out with. It makes me sad. Sure I have girl friends, but we aren't all friends as a group, its individually. Everyone else always seems so busy these days too. Back then you shoot out a mass text and everyone's game. Now its not quite so. People are married or in a relationship, or kids are involved. I feel so disconnected from who I used to be, sure I've done a lot of growing up and I wouldn't change any of that, but I want the good times from back then mixed in with the now.
Well I think I do have those really great times now too, it's just not as often. Years ago it was every weekend we were out doing things, and week nights too. Staying up late and getting up early if we had to. And now even with my Mon-Fri job, a lot of weekends I'm sitting at home doing nothing, being bored. Right now I have no kids, I don't own a house, I don't want to look back on my twenties and wish I did more. But maybe I'm not looking at the bigger picture. I did go to California last year, and will be going to New York this year. There is no way I could have done that at 18. I guess I just wish stuff would come up more often.
I love reminiscing on old times but at the same time it makes me sad because I miss it. But maybe I'll look back on today and say I miss that too. I do appreciate my time spent now, I really do. And I love my friends and family and appreciate the time I have with them so much, I just don't want to look back and regret anything. I don't want to wish I had done more, or not done certain things. I don't want to miss out on anything. I don't want my eyes to be half open. I don't want life to pass me by.
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