Home Away From Home

I just got back from my trip to New York, NY and let me tell you, it was amazing! It was unlike any city I've ever explored before, just incredible. I've lived in a city before, a small city (Winnipeg) and I hated it, but New York.... New York I could see myself living in. I didn't want to leave, I didn't miss anything or anyone (sorry family), it just felt right you know? I wish I could live there, or at least live there part time. I will definitely be going back, again and again and again. If I could make it a yearly thing I most definitely would.

The flight there actually wasn't that bad, I get super motion sick, I hate flying. The flight back was a different story though. Anyway, we get to the airport in Winnipeg and everyone is super chipper (we got there in the morning before anyone had time to get pissed off), people were complimenting (my nails) and joking around with us (pretending there were problems with our boarding passes, oh you airport jokesters you!). We make it past security and go to get something to eat at TGI Fridays. It was gross and very onion filled. We make it onto the plane and fly down to Minneapolis where we had a connecting flight to New York. Once we touch down in New York we realize we hadn't planned out how exactly we were going to get to the hotel, we knew we didn't want to take a cab though because it was quite a distance away. As we are standing around looking like lost puppy tourists a man approaches us asking if we need a shuttle, well yes! Yes we do need a shuttle! So we shuttled it on down to the hotel in a van with the a nice young man. He's playing some kind of rap/R&B in his CD player and as we hop on in we notice it's skipping, so I kinda skip to the next song but it too is skipping, at that point I just leave it because I have no idea how New Yorkers act. Will this driver jump down my throat because I touched his dash? Will I get yelled at or called nasty names? Will we get kicked out? I had no idea. After he's done loading everyone in he gets in the van and notices his CD is skipping, says something along the lines of "aw man, it's skipping" and I, with the big mouth, say "ya I skipped to the next song for you but it was skipping too so I left it" Ya Des, that makes sense, be worried about how he'd react and yet outright tell him what you did!! What can I say, I'm honest... I guess? Stupid maybe? Anyway, he just laughs it off, turns it to radio and we are on our way. Well then! New Yorkers are nice, I decided that right then and there. As we start driving though I realize that New Yorkers drive ANYWHERE they want. You wanna be in two lanes at once? You go right ahead! You wanna cut someone off? You go right ahead! You wanna honk your horn in futile attempts? You go right ahead! You get the picture, I decided right then and there New Yorkers are crazy... nice, but crazy. We laugh and make some remarks about the driving in New York to the driver and he just goes on about how everyone is crazy (see, he even thought so... I did think he too was crazy but I didn't say as much. You never know how a crazy person is going to react to being called crazy :s )

                 *I'm going to interject right here to let you know this is going to be a

 long post. I wanted to journal while in NY but didn't get the chance to so this is 

my way of journaling to myself. So either suck it up and read or just skip to the pictures.

 OR go to facebook and look at the pictures and click away cuz I already got

 the "view" from you on my stats page muahahaha* 

                                                       

We make it to the hotel (oh it's night time just to paint a clearer picture for you),  and it looks like this:

I don't really have pictures of the hotel room, it really wasn't anything special, like seriously, the bathroom was tinier then a 1 bedroom apartment's bathroom, and the rest of the room wasn't exactly super spacious. But the view from the hotel room (4th floor) looked like this:

Glamorous, I know. (even after Fergie did a song

spelling it out, I still have trouble spelling

glamorous)  

Almost immediately after arriving in our hotel room we freshened up and got something to eat from the hotel cafe, then set out on foot to Times Square. We were only about half a block away from it, almost right away Elmo comes up to my friend Melissa wanting a picture, so she strikes a pose with elmo, as she's doing that another character came up to her and posed with her too. After the picture they asked her for money and not knowing thats how things worked she just said she didn't have any money and we quickly walked away lol. There were SO many people in Times Sq. I wonder if any of them were even true New Yorkers... probably not. Who would want to walk that square shoving through people and walking into shops with "I love New York" merchandise?! That's when we started to realize that not only do vehicles do whatever they want, so do people. People were walking eeeeeverywhere, and crossed streets whenever they pleased. They didn't need a lit up walking man to tell them when to move, they moved to their own liking dammit! I already knew I could fit in, drive how you want? Check. Walk when you want? Check. I came there with an already half adapted personality, all I needed to do was live there for a bit to completely adapt to my surroundings. Which wouldn't be hard, I am well on my way to eat, sleep and breathe New York. After seeing what Times Sq. had to offer we headed on down to Starbucks for some free wifi! Checked in with the people at home and went back to the hotel for the night. 

After settling down for the night and gushing about how we couldn't believe we were actually in New York we all tried to get some sleep. As I'm laying in bed, trying to get comfortable with the too big pillow I start noticing the sounds outside. The walls in the hotel were like paper, we could hear the ding of the elevator clearly, people walking off and giggling or talking to each other. On the other side of the wall, the one facing the street we quickly realized we were indeed in the city that never sleeps. Delivery trucks were making their rounds, beep beep beeeeeeep as they reversed their big trucks. Garbage pick up as well, you could hear them breaking to slow down, the motor shifting gears at they sped up. And as I'm laying in my bed with my own thoughts I hear the quiet patter of hooves on a horse with a police man sure to be mounted atop it trotting on by and I smiled. As my smile grew larger it slowly turned into a laugh which got all three of us laughing before we all drifted off to sleep. That first night was horrible, among the noises all around us the beds and bedding weren't comfortable either. Thankfully in the days to come we'd be so exhausted from walking everywhere that we all slept pretty hard after that. 

The sites that we saw were the Empire State building, Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum, NBC Studio tour, Grand Central Terminal, T.V. and Movie tour, Brooklyn Bridge, and we did stumble upon ground zero but it wasn't actually in the plans so we didn't venture into that. Some random places we went to were Starbucks, Barney's (just to say we've been to Barney's), Serendipity (but only the entrance, they were packed and not taking reservations), Starbucks, a rotating restaurant (won't ever do that again- motion sickness), Magnolia Bakery, Forever 21, Starbucks, McGee's (McClaren's from How I Met Your Mother is inspired by McGees), Canal Street, Shake Shack, Smith's Restaurant,  the subway (not to be confused with the restaurant), Olive Garden (best food I had out there, probably because it's familiar lol), touristy stores of course, oh and Starbucks. 

Canal street was an interesting experience. Nellie was sitting beside a women on the plane who had said if we wanted to buy any knock off bags that Canal St. is the place to go. You say knock off and bags in the same sentence to me and I'm down without question! After we stumbled across the street on our way to the Brooklyn Bridge we decided to check out some of the shops. Our first shop experience definitely let us know the tone of the street. They come up to you and ask what you want, you take a look at the bags hanging and kind of hum and haw, then they ask "Do you like Micheal Kors?", C'mon lady, do we like Micheal Kors? Of course! So Melissa shows the most interest, this lady knows she's got Mel where she wants her. She tells her that they have any style she wants. Mel points to one bag and says, do you have a Micheal Kors that looks like this? The women says yes but it's in the back she has to go get it. Then proceeds to tell Mel the price to see if she will take it. Unknowing to the way this operation works Melissa tells the women she need to see the bag before she can commit. The women says ok it will just be a few minutes. As she tells her coworker to go "get" the bag we stand and look at the other merchandise. Then Nellie and Melissa notice that when she said "go get the bag" it actually meant- we'll take the style of bag you like and put a Micheal Kors label on it while you wait. When the bag is done the women shows Mel the bag, but she makes sure she keeps the bag low, almost under the counter. That's when it dawns on us that this isn't exactly legal. Melissa tries on the bag and as she is I'm watching this other women, she nervously glances around her just dying to quickly make this sale. Melissa however is still unsure and is taking her time. Melissa lets the women know she's leaning towards no and that's when the women quickly goes down in price. Melissa starts to barter with her, as they are bartering I notice that the women has put the bag back on the hook, the lowest hook and facing the label inward. Melissa gets her down to where she's comfortable and takes the bag. The women wastes no time in shoving the bag into a solid black bag, takes the cash and hands the bag over to Melissa. A look of relief on the women's face that she didn't have to house this bag after the label had already been put on it. I wonder if they would have thrown it out.

After Melissa's purchase we set out to find a knock off Louis Vitton bag for moi! We walk into a store and a women approaches me asking what I'm looking for. I tell her and she hands me off to a male co-worker. I tell him I'm unsure of the style I want and he shows me a card with all the styles that he gets from a binder in a stack of other binders. I point to one and he tells me he wants $80. I tell him I don't want to spend $80, he asks  how much I do want to spend and my two friends tell him I want to spend around $30. He immediately walks away from me. So I take that as a no and we proceed to walk out of the store. As we're walking out the man taps me on the shoulder and says to me "you'll never get a bag with those two around" offended at him insulting my friends I ask why and he says "you're not going to find a Vitton for $30" I reply back with "ok" as I shoot him a 'your stupid' look and walk out quickly. Plus it smelled really bad in that store. In another store I tell the guy I want to spend $30 and he tells me "It's a Louis Vitton, $80 is a good deal" and I say "but it's not a real Vitton so that isn't a deal" and he just walked away from me. So that experience was very interesting to say the least. The next day I ended up finding a fake Vitton from a man with a table on the street corner. He tells me its $45, I say how about $40 (that's all I had on me and $40 was way better then $80 and still close to $30) he says deal and shoves my new bag into a solid blue bag for me to proudly walk away with a huge smile on my face! 

I'll just post a few pictures now of our trip and just say a few things first. At Madame Tussaud's we actually got to touch the wax figures, this was espeically cool because in San Francisco they also have a wax museum (which isn't nearly as good) and you can't touch the figures. In the Empire State building we had gotten fast track passes, or so we thought, so we actually ended up staying in loooong lineups. That is what started our sore feet problems. We seriously walked everywhere, our feet were so sore after the first day and didn't get a chance to heal the whole trip. It was nice to be able to explore the city in that way but it was kind of a love/hate thing. If I go back to New York I wouldn't want to do the line ups at the Empire State again so if I were to go with someone who wanted to go there I'd be sure to buy the fast track, it is definitely worth it. I also wanted to say a bit about the subway. It was seriously so awesome! It was a lot cleaner then I thought it would be, still dirty, but a lot cleaner then I thought. It was like a whole other world underneath such a great city. It's hard to explain in words but each time you walk down into the subway each entry looks different. Sometimes it's small and cramped, other entries are huge and full of stairs and white tile. After going on it once we got the hang of it, it was super easy and also very cheap. I'd travel this way more so next time but I'd also like to know exactly where each entry to a subway is before I go. Sometimes it took a bit of walking around to figure out where one was. I thought it would be really creepy and sketchy but it really wasn't. All the people looked normal too so we were never scared or creeped out. When you line up to get onto the subway you gotta make sure you get on fast. Not only are there people walking off but there is people walking on and the doors don't stay open for long. Sometimes the subway conductor was really easy to understand but other times I had wished I was more like Lily and able to speak conductor (How I Met Your Mother reference). New York hot dogs from the hot dog cards on the streets are the best. Starbucks are almost literally on every corner. Roasted almonds and cashews from the carts on the streets are a must try. If someone tells you that you haven't experienced New York until you have been to Shake Shack you tell them they are a liar and walk away. You can't take photos in the NBC Studio's but honestly I'd say it isn't even worth going. You wont see a celebrity no matter how hard you wish it and it's only an hour of seeing about 2 sets and the control room. And not even having pictures to prove you were there? Not worth it to me anyway. We also so the Ghost Busters fire hall on our TV and Movie tour, along with the apartment from I Am Legend, where Beyonce and Jay-Z live, the Friends building, along with a lot of other buildings we drove too quickly by to take a decent photo- and if we did happen to get a half decent photo, forgot why we took it in the first place. Finding out New Yorkers were actually very nice was so awesome, at one point I was walking down the street without a jacket on and one women yelled at me "put your jacket on" and I replied "I'm hot!" and a man close by yelled out "I'll say!" highlight of my day for sure, thank you grungy oldish guy for appreciating my beauty! Every time we got bumped into people were saying sorry and excuse me, it was so refreshing to be away from the mennonite attitude. Listening to the people drumming on 5 gallon pails in the subway. 

I think that is all I really wanted to say about New York, it was an amazing experience, it went by far too quickly but I know in my heart that I will be back and that makes me happy. Maybe I'll adopt an american child so that I could live there... does that work? 

Times Square

First meal, it was pretty tasty. 

On a Jumbo Tron type of thing in 

Times Sq., we're in the bottom left

corner in black brown and grey. 

Baby Spice and I. 

Sometimes I hang out with Gaga.

One of the few pics I got for proof.

Really good fries- not so great chicken fingers

Unfortunately the only hot dog I had the

privilege of eating.

Best cheesecake ever! 

Didn't have caesars so I had to get

a bloody mary and now that I think of it that's probably what

I should have ordered when I went to Mexico cuz they had no idea

what I was talking about when I said ceaser. 

Had to pick one of these up. 

Starbucks potty graffiti

Pistachio (pretty good!), Caramel something and 

chocolate. 

Ghost Busters fire hall 

Will Smith's place in I Am Legend

The Library that we were too late to go inside of. 

One of the coolest subways we went into. 

Empire State Building

View from the Empire State building. 

Inside of Grand Central Terminal. 

Inside of Grand Central Terminal.

Madame Tussaud herself.

We love pretending to eat Lucy's batter. 

Hanging out with the girls. 

Hanging out with the boys. 

Interesting story: It looked as though all the hotels would

put their laundry into these bins and on the sidewalk and it would

get picked up by delivery trucks who would take it somewhere else

to get washed and then returned after being cleaned. 

Almost full shot of the apartment building that Will Smith

"lived" in for the movie. (And Mark, if your reading this, he didn't actually live

there during the movie, it was shot on a set, they just used the outside

of this building. Normal people actually live there). 

A shot from the outskirts of Central Park.

Cab ride in a real New York cab!!! 

Brooklyn Bridge. 

Fooled you! We aren't actually talking. Fake it

till ya make it! 

New world trade center. 

Caesar salad at McGee's, not that great. 

Another shot of the outside

of the library. 

The ceiling in the Grand

Central Terminal. 

A World In Reach

Twenty years ago my Dad brought me into a whole new world. It was magical and exciting and foreign. It was a world of travel! My Dad is a trucker and I got to go along for a lot of trips, I got to see new places and sometimes do new things. We didn't often get to stop, we usually had to just drive through but that was good enough. We would drive through small towns and around and through huge cities. I got to drive around the outskirts of Las Vegas during the day and at night- it was amazing to see all the lights. I got to come from a top a large hill at night looking down onto the city lights of somewhere in Montana. I got to see huge statues that lit up in the mountains so that villagers could find their way. Among all these things I got to see, what was most exciting to me was pretending! I could imagine anything I wanted so I imagined it was me living in those cities and small towns. I had the house nestled in between the mountains with horses and goats grazing in the pasture. I was standing in the little yellow shelter at the end of the driveway waiting for the school bus. It was me attending school in Texas waiting for the bell to ring to go hang out with my friends. It was a life I craved- someone else's. It was unknown and exhilarating and I wanted it but it was always out of reach. I could see it, I could yearn for it, and I could almost taste it, but it was just always out of reach. Maybe if I would live those lives I would still always be wanting something different, always on to the next adventure perhaps, but I still want it. It's changed a little as I've gotten older- I want that awesome job in San Francisco, and after work I head down to The Bay to walk around and look out at the water. Or work at some sort of studio in Chicago developing my photo's I took of all the buildings (even though I'm nowhere near the likes of being a photographer). Or I'm working in a high rise building for a magazine in New York writing an article that needs to be done yesterday. I look over through my window at the skyline of NY and pause a moment because I know that it's mine, and I relish in that.

I want to see the world. Maybe I wont get to live any of those lives, but maybe just getting a little taste from time to time would suffice. Maybe. I want to backpack through Europe for a month (and by backpack I mean taking a huge piece of luggage with wheels cuz I sure as hell am not living out of a small backpack for a month), sit at a cafe in Paris with the best unobstructed view of the Eiffel Tower, sipping a latte and writing a blog post. I want to mingle with the people in Germany because I hear they are just so nice. Then take a trip to Switzerland and slide down mountains on some sort of toboggan contraption. Then head down to Italy and walk the streets of Rome, soaking in the ambiance and romantic air.

I want to see Abu Dhabi with all the mosque's and temples. I want to see the beauty in the buildings and capture it, maybe on film, but mostly in my heart. I want to get on a camel and race to the finish line. I want to watch the sunset from a dune buggy we took to go "Dune Bashing."

I want to go to the Philippines and soak in the culture. I want to play with the children and get a sense of local culture. I want to sit on a beach in Australia watching the surfer's try to catch a wave. I want to go for a walk through the valleys of Ireland, go to a pub for some ale and sink into my bed at the end of the night in the bed and breakfast. I want to walk the stone walkways in Israel and imagine myself in a time past.

There are a lot of places I want to go, to see, to experience. Maybe I'll accomplish all that I want. Maybe I wont. But I yearn for it, I want it and I'm reaching. Maybe one day I'll touch what I'm looking for, get a grip on it and hold on tight for the adventurous ride I so badly crave. For now I better get handle on my spending habits so I can make my dreams come true *blush*.

Dreaming Dreaming...

As a favor to a friend I said I'd post what I've been dreaming up. I had been working on laying out my dream kitchen (no, I do not even have a house, hence the "dreaming") including pictures and all, and she asked me to share so she could see as well. So here we go!

My number one must have is a white farmhouse style sink, they are gaaaaaawgeous, and if you don't know what I mean, please see below:

I like the functionality of the double sink, I'd most likely go with that but this is what each style looks like. The double sink is sold at Ikea for $350 and the single one also at Ikea for $250. 

Now picture that sink combined with light cabinets/dark counter, or colored cabinets/light counter, or dark cabinets/white counter. The possibilities are endless and they all seem to look good. Actually, don't picture it, I'll post pictures for you.  

My favorite right now is the last pic, dark cabinets, white counter top, white back splash.
I'm also really liking the open shelving trend but I'm not sure if that would be ideal for me. Here are some pictures of setups that I'm liking. Aren't those brackets in the middle pic adorable?!

Also it's worth mentioning that I want all stainless steel appliances and fixtures. I'm really digging the industrial lighting right now kind of something like these:

And here are some other fun details I've found that I'm really liking.

I thought this was so cute, I probably wouldn't do it because I don't 

eat enough bread, it would probably end up having junk stored

in it- but it's a neat idea. 

the concealed microwave might be annoying but I do like the fact that it's up high but not on top of the oven. 

Concealed garbage?! Enough. Said.  

Pots!! I like this first picture because you can pull it out and it's so functional, I also like how the lids are easily stored in the top pullout. Nothing bothers me more then those dang pot lids. I rarely use them so they constantly get thrown around in their tiny cabinet. 

I also really like this idea below, the lids are so visual although I do like the idea of them being closer to their pots, I'd fear they'd get too lonely. 

I just adore this idea of putting your pots and pans above the oven, I was thinking maybe I'd reserve that just specifically for pans though, and then store pots in a concealed place. And I love the idea of them all being stainless steel, it would tie in nicely with the stainless appliances.

Functional. I hate the look of the paper towel hanging under 

a cabinet, or on the counter. But also to keep in mind, kids could get

at this easily and just start a pullin' 

I like the idea of maximising your use of space, this drawer

pulls right out from under your sink. Great for cleaning supplies. 

There is nothing more annoying then trying to get those

stupid measuring spoons off the ring to just have to put them back on... in 

order... cuz I'm OCD like that. 

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE. Coffee bar!? Seriously?! This is

SO going in my one day home. It could hold my coffee maker AND 

Tassimo. Really like the hanging cups

idea too. And I'm also getting into tea now so I can just picture

the cute canisters and... and I could go on and on lol. 

Pull out drawer every thing. No door cabinets on the bottom. 

That's kind of what I got goin on in my head right now. Of course when I actually end up buying a home these things will happen slowly. Also there will have to be a lot more detail going into it, like what type of back splash I'd want, type and color of flooring and so on, but I don't feel like getting into that before it actually  happens. So there you have it Amanda and fellow readers- my dream kitchen ideas :) 

Tatted Up

So yesterday I got my first tattoo!! I am beyond excited and I just love it :D It's very small, the word "parabatai" as you know from a previous post it is a made up word, it's from a book series that my friend Nellie and I read and found it defined our friendship perfectly. Last year before Christmas we had decided to get these tattoo's but Nellie ended up backing out for personal reasons. Fast forward a few months and here we are! She resolved her differences and decided once again to go through with getting the tattoo.  I made her get hers first so I knew for certain she wouldn't back out after me getting mine lol. You can't exactly have a parabatai tattoo without your friend doing it too, that's like yin without yang, night without morning, Brad without Angelina, coffee without cream and that's just gross.

I can't wait to get more tattoo's yet, it will happen slowly, I don't want many but a few more. Not exactly sure of what or where but I have a few ideas. Crystal from Mort Cheval in Morden was the one who did the tat's, she was awesome. She was nice, and funny and really calming actually. We were a bit nervous going in but she made us feel at ease and I'd definitely recommend her. And in case anyone is wondering it was $125, I know that sounds crazy expensive but its a minimum charge. I called to a few places in Winnipeg and a lot of them had the same pricing, I'm sure I could have found a cheaper place but I didn't want to drive out there and this was good enough for me. And without further a due here are the videos and pictures of our first ever tattoo experience!!!!

Nellie's brother-in-law Matt had gotten

a tattoo a couple hours before us so he made an

appearance to see our first time. See his arm all 

bandaged up, his tat was a big'n. 

How it looks today! 

Valentines Day

Ah, Valentines Day. I've always wanted to love this day but truth be told I hate it. Not because I don't buy into it, but because I've never had a really good one I guess. I love the idea of couples coming together on a special day to profess their love for each other. It's so romantic and sweet. And for some people its the only day of the year they get sweet little nothings from their luvva ;) Who wouldn't like to be treated out to a date and some gifts?!? One thing I will say though is that I don't think the men should be doing all the work. Its not called Men Love Your Women Day, so come on women, step it up! I've always loved the idea of getting the usual flowers and chocolate, but I really like the gifts that are sort of inside jokes, or something out of the ordinary, something with a little more thought put into it.

This Valentine's Day I will be spending with my Parabatai, we'll be going to a movie- Safe Haven and also getting some supper together. Both of our husbands aren't the "be all sweet and romantic" types on this day so we decided to take matters into our own hands. Who said a married women can't go out with her friend on V-Day?!? I'm excited :D

Happy Valentines Day to all the couples and the singles out there! 

The Journey

I've been wanting to write this post for a while but I've been putting it off because I just didn't quite know how I wanted to word it. Sometimes I get these overwhelming feelings inside me, like a fire ball of emotion swirling in my core and I want to share it but at the same time I want to do it justice. I'm a writer, I can't just lay some words down on paper, say done and walk away. I have to feel it, and when I do feel it, it has to be written perfectly. I have to identify the feelings, get it right, and then pen them down. It has to flow, and it has to be just as fierce as my fireball so that the words can paint the perfect picture. 

Anyway, off topic a little. This post is supposed to be about relationships. Friendships or lovers, whichever really. Both need to be cherished and taken care of, respected and loved, so either situation could relate I'd say. 

First I want to talk about relationships with God- or more specifically my relationship with God. I haven't felt as connected to God lately as I have in the past. This bothers me so much and I don't like it, but I'm the only one who can change that. So in an effort to change that I've been trying to pray more but also trying to remember to praise more. That ones a hard one for me. Also I've been trying to trust in Him more then I do. I like to have complete control of my life, I like to budget and plan and schedule. I like to know what my next move is going to be days before I make that move. Relinquishing that control to someone is very hard for me to do, not to mention how hard it is for me to do to someone I feel disconnected from. But I need to remind myself that no matter how disconnected I feel, God will never leave me. He's there in front of me, probably fighting me because I hold on too tight. I imagine it as a game of tug-of-war, me on one end and God on the other, in the middle is my life. Why would I try so hard to win that game? It just makes no sense and yet I do it every day. 

I've been really learning in the past month or so what it actually feels like to hand over the control. To just trust. To not worry. I'm learning to just jump, and know that God will give me solid ground to land on. 

Friendships. Like all relationships, friendships take work. There is effort that needs to be put in, respect needing to be given. Your friends need to feel loved so that they stick around. If you reject them, they may just be so hurt that they will reject you too. Sometimes it's easy to take out your frustration on your friend because you know that they will forgive you anyway, but sometimes that can be taken too far. I've had a few friends in my lifetime that I am no longer friends with. I was taken for granted I think and I've never dealt well with that. One friend in particular always lied to me. Eventually I caught on and could tell when she lied to me. I never stood up for myself though, I never called her out, I just let her lie and let myself drift further away. We speak in passing now but that's basically where our relationship stands now. I wonder though, if I had called her out, would she have changed? Could our friendship have lasted? If I had taken the time to try to figure out why she was lying so much, what she was going through, could it have been different? Another friend that I am no longer friends with had phased me out. We were so close at one point but then she started to change. Later she had told me that I changed too. Maybe I did, but I don't think that I did. Suddenly I was missing a friend, messages would go unanswered and I was hurt, so we got into a fight. I told her I didn't want to be treated that way and I didn't want a friend who thought that is what friendship was about. But I didn't ask her if there was something bigger going on. I didn't ask why she had been changing. I wonder if I would have gotten a straight answer though. If I had pushed to dig deeper, again, would things be different? 

If people took the time to look past the hurt they are going through, could relationships be saved? If you could get past the rejected feeling and find the compassion in yourself, could you trust in that? I know that I myself feel that if I feel compassion then I feel week. I associate kindness in times of strife with defeat. How are you to know that your kindness will be met with honesty? I see as I'm writing this that my ability for trust has shadowed my decision making because I don't want to get hurt. Is a guarded person able to feel compassion so much so that they could break down their walls for the chance at a stronger friendship/relationship? Also, if that guarded person only gets hurt after giving compassion, could they do it again? To what extent does a person give compassion and kindness in an effort to see the bigger picture? How many times is enough until it is ok to give up? 

Keeping on with this theme, lets talk about relationships. In the past year I've learned just how much differently men think then women. It's amazing really. Us women are just like "well common sense!" "If he doesn't know then I'm not going to tell him" and so on and so forth. And men's common sense just isn't the same as ours I guess. And I don't mean a general sense of common sense, I mean relationship common sense. The do's and dont's of dating/marriage if you will. And just like in a friendship, how do you know when enough is enough and how do you know when to keep pushing through. I bring this up because I've been hearing a lot lately of people saying "well in our generation if a relationship was broken we fixed it, we didn't believe in divorce because we didn't just quit. There was no quitting." I actually had an in depth conversation with a few friends about this, about the morals and values of our generation today. It seems as though so many people are getting divorces, and it's like they're getting younger and younger. So I asked the question, are we giving up easier or do we have more respect for ourselves today and stand up for ourselves better then the older generation. Is an older generation relationship more likely to stay together through an abusive relationship as opposed to a younger generation relationship? In my culture anyway I'd say yes. In my culture- the older generation of women were brought up to stay home and take care of the family. In the younger generation the women work so we are less dependant on the mans income. I believe that would be a huge deciding factor in the decision to keep fighting. So are we as a younger generation really to be looked down on for "quitting" so easily? Or should we be congratulated for having more self respect? I'm not saying that every divorce is validated, I do believe that relationships should be fought for and that some people don't fight hard enough. But that brings up the question again, how much is enough?

Also, I wonder, how many split ups are brought on by influence. "oh well this couple split up so it's okay if I do too" Some people may validate what they have done or want to do simply because someone they know did it too, making it okay. Since being married and seeing a lot of people my age get married I'm surrounded by these things every day. Seeing peoples relationships crumble, and also seeing them being fought for. I honestly didn't know this world existed before. I just thought that marriage was... well marriage. Two people living together, then having kids and that's it. I didn't realize the struggle behind it, or how much of a struggle it could be. I can see first hand now how much effort it takes to keep a relationship strong. How much communication is involved. Communication on point of view, morals, sex, money, other relationships. Everything needs to be talked about and if it isn't then your relationship is lacking something key. And after communication comes action. Acting on what your partner wants, acting on how they feel. Your actions after they communicate with you. Will you react hostile, will you be the listener, will you be supportive or encouraging. Will you work together on a problem, will you work at keeping that solution. Will you work at keeping the romance. 

Relationships are no easy task. It never really sunk in for me until I got married. This has been my longest relationship and with all my other shorter relationships we never got to the point where we decided to try, we just ended it instead. I love how as I go through this life journey that I learn things like this along the way. I love how experiences give you new insight and you think a little more clearly. How blessed we are to live in such a complex world, getting the privilege to see what it has to offer- what God has to offer. What God gave us. 

This whole post seems kind of morbid but I just wanted to write down how important relationships are. What a constant struggle it is to make sure everything keeps working. My eyes were never really open to how hard things can be but by no means does that mean its not worth it. Love is worth it, love in friendships and relationships. If we didn't have love, what would we have really?