I feel like my life has a lot of drama. Not always self inflicted, but more so I get affected by what happens to others. My family in particular seems to have a drama magnet. I try to keep my personal life pretty simple because of it. Usually drama isn't something fun or exciting, usually its awful and uninvited. Our drama tends to be more of the awful and uninvited kind. One of the times that would be the most dramatic, the time I will carry with me forever is when my brothers were in jail. This story I'm about to tell is very personal, it's very emotional for me but I'm an open person and I like to share. People seem to be always so misunderstood and maybe this would shed some light. Maybe. I'm almost certain my family doesn't read this blog, and if they do and get offended I'm sorry. But I'm telling my story because it's my story to tell.
January of 2010 I got woken up from a text from my brother's girlfriend asking if I had heard from him. I said no, and thought it was weird that she was asking. Then she went on to tell me that he had been arrested the night before along with my younger brother as well. I asked her what had exactly happened and all she told me was that they had gotten into a fight with a guy at a bar and they got arrested for it.
** There is a bit of a back story to this, I wont go into detail but basically both of my brothers were under a curfew for different reasons. They weren't allowed to be away from home after 9pm on any day **
After she had told me this I immediately called my mom. My heart was pounding through my chest, all I could hear was the thumping in my ears. I paced around my apartment with my whole body shaking, willing my mom to pick up her phone. Finally she answered and I quickly told her what I knew. There was a short silence, then the questions started coming, but I had no answers for her. So we sat on the phone, both not quite knowing what to do. What happened after that is a little fuzzy to me, but I know that I told my mom that I was the only one the boys would be able to call. I had a city number and I knew that in jail they could only call locally, so I told her I would keep her posted. I had somewhat been down this road before with my older brother, he had gotten sent to the remand centre and I was the only one he could call so I was speaking from experience. So we played the waiting game, it was all we could do. I remember feeling helpless, at a loss, and for someone who likes to be in control this was agonizing. I believe I waited 2 days before I received my first phone call. In that time I had to continue on with my normal routine, go to bed, wake up, go to work, go home, eat supper, go to bed... ect. Except it went more like pray, go to bed, pray, wake up, pray, go to work, pray, cry at work, continue working, cry at work, cry, cry, cry, go home, talk to mom, cry, cry with mom, pray, pray, pray. I thank the Lord I was a Christian at this time, I think my prayers would have felt useless otherwise, and that is all that I had. My phone was practically glued to my hand, checking it constantly. I made sure the ringer was ALWAYS on high, I even took it with me to the bathroom. No matter what I was determined I was
not going to miss that first call.
Then it happened. I got that phone call. I was sitting at my desk in my office at work and it rang. I answered it immediately and my younger brother was on the other line. I even get teary eyed just writing about this part, my heart has never been pulled so many directions from a single conversation in my life. All the while I had been waiting for that phone call I was never worried about my older brother, well not as much as my younger one anyway. I know their personalities, I know that Matt can take care of himself, I know that he can blend in in a second and roll with the punches so to speak. I know that Troy views things differently, I know that his heart is more sensitive. I knew that he would be sad, I knew that he would be scared, I knew that he would be lonely. Knowing that they were both in jail at the same time didn't bring any comfort, I knew that chances were they wouldn't be in the same cell block, later it was confirmed that they weren't. I knew this would be hard on Matt, but I knew it would be
harder for Troy.
I could hear it in his voice over the phone, the sadness, the defeat. He said "hi" I said hi back.I asked if he was okay and he said yes. I could breathe again, he was okay. Then he choked up and pleaded with me to get him out of there. He said "I can't be here Dez, I can't do this" I didn't know what to say, what could I? I was powerless, more powerless then him and he was the one in jail. My whole body was fighting against my mind, do something! Help your baby brother. But he wasn't my baby brother any more was he. He made choices, and those choices got him to where he was, and he had to deal with those consequences. The phone call was short, we hung up the phone and I just sat there. I cried, I shook, I prayed. I called my mom right after to tell her that Troy had called, she cried too.
After that I received phone calls every day, a few days later I finally got a call from Matt. He was doing okay as well, we mainly talked business, about getting a lawyer and preparing for what was to come. A little while later the boys had a court date. This was the day that would decided if they could walk free. My mom and I went to the court house, we sat in our seats and we waited all day. I watched the other cases, trying to gauge the mood of the judge. Gauging the mood of the Crown as well, and she was not happy. Even more so to men it seemed. Every now and then the door to the court room would open, and across the hall the door where the inmates were being held was slightly open. I had a direct line of view into the room. I could see my brothers. I would steel glances whenever I could. They looked healthy, they looked good. I smiled and they would smile back.
Finally it was time for my brothers to go up, I can't remember the order in which they went up but I'll talk about Matt first. His hearing was relatively short, they spoke a lot of things I didn't understand. What I did understand is that he wasn't in jail because of the fight, that just got him arrested. He was in jail because of the reason of which he had a curfew in the first place- that is not my story to tell. He was escorted into the court room, he had on grey sweats and a grey t-shirt, his feet were shackled as well as his wrists, he took a seat at his post. His legal aid then began to talk on behalf of him, honestly he probably would have been better off without him. If I remember correctly the judge postponed for another hearing, an official court date for a month later and the time in between that was to be spent in jail. They walked him out of the court room and he stole a glance to my mom and gave his lopsided half smile. I don't know if I've ever seen him look so sad.
Next up was Troy, he too was escorted to his post. In the middle of the judge's speaking she stopped and looked at Troy. She asked him if she should continue or if he wanted to continue this another day. In between sobs he told her to continue. This was the hardest thing I've ever had to see. Imagine yourself sitting in a court room, it's relatively empty so all you can hear is your sniffling and loud swallowing. Your listening to a judge speak words you don't fully understand and she's speaking to your younger brother. He's shackled and his stance is one of defeat. His legal aid is nothing like the title implies and you can't say a word. You have to watch and that is all you can do. She pauses to ask if she should continue because all your brother can do is cry. He tells her to continue as he continues to sob.And then you sob louder and more uncontrollably. Then your mother stands up and asks to be heard. They allow it, and as she walks up to the podium she puts a hand on her sons shoulder, trailing it across his back and to his other shoulder, slowly lowering her hand to her side because she doesn't want him to get in trouble for her touching him. She stands there visibly shaking and opens her mouth to speak. The trembling carries through her voice as she defends her youngest son. They thank her for her character witnessing but it goes unwavering in the judges mind, her mind has already been made up. My mom walks back to her seat beside me, drained and defeated as well. I can't look at her because I know I will cry louder. I can barely look at the back of my brother's head and control myself.
After more words I don't understand I start to hear numbers. The numbers of months my brother will be in jail- also not because of the fight, but because of the reason he was on house arrest in the first place. One- he spends his birthday in jail, two,three, four- he misses my birthday, five, six, seven- he misses summer and eight- his release. A total of 8 months in jail. We cry louder. What else can we do? He gets escorted back into the holding room.
We walk out of the court room slowly, sad but grateful that we
know. We know where everything stands, we know that the boys are okay. We know. Now we just wait to know more about Matt's case.
A month later we make our trek back to the court house to hear the outcome of Matt's case. Meanwhile we had gotten him a lawyer, while sitting in the court room waiting, we find out that the Crown didn't know we got a lawyer. The look on her face was priceless when she found out, she took her client and had an impromptu meeting before the case. When finally having the case we came to learn that the Crown and her client had changed their story. They put a deal on the table and Matt took it. You could tell it was a hard decision to make- take the deal and do some jail time, or don't take the deal and possibly walk right now or possibly serve a longer sentence. All the while the judge was reading out the sentence Matt was shaking his head. It was so hard to keep your mouth shut just knowing it was all lies but there was nothing you could do about it. The judge had to stop mid sentence to ask Matt if this was true, Matt had no choice but to say yes. After everything was said and done Matt got sentenced to another 2 months in jail, equalling a total of 4 months served. After we left the courtroom we saw that the holding room door was open, we could see Matt, so we stopped to talk to him. After a few seconds the guard told us we couldn't talk, so we said our goodbyes and made our way home.
After all of this we played the waiting game, but it was an easier waiting game. We already knew the outcome, we just had to go through the motions of every day living ... well every day living minus half your family. After the entitled months had passed eventually both brothers were released. Matt was released first, what a happy day that was. My mom hugged him and we brought part of our family home. A few months later Troy was released, I wasn't able to be there for it but I saw him that same evening.
Our family was complete but with almost a sense of fear, well fear on my part. Could this happen again? Would it pan out the same? Or worse? Will I have to live in a state of not knowing again? When my phone rings will it be a call I'm dreading? I've even gone so far as to call the police station just because I couldn't get a hold of my brother. After ruling out that he wasn't there I could breathe a little easier. It seems as though I often can't breathe doesn't it. It's like each breath has sections reserved for each person I love, and when I'm worried about someone I love, each breath gets tighter. Each breath gets harder. But I guess that is how I feel, that is how I love. That is how I breathe.
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